Smell the Onion

I seem to be dialoguing with a lot of people recently about my “alternative” parenting choices. This week it was the common practice of teaching a child to sleep through the night by not going to them when they cry– or the “cry it out” method. So. For posterity, here’s my two cents.

We’re clearly coming at this from two different directions, so you can take this for what it’s worth. It was never a goal of mine to have my infants sleep through the night. I figure that crying is the only method of communication that they have and that if they’re crying (even if they’re not “supposed” to be hungry) that they need me for something. I believe that our instincts are God given, and that they’re generally a pretty good guide. I know that it is hard for you to go against your instincts, so I want to be one voice telling you it is okay to listen to them.

I believe that a baby’s cries should always be honored. I decided when my oldest was months old that I’d rather have memories of parenting her back to sleep (which are precious) than the emotional turmoil (for both of us) that it would take to teach her that I will not respond to her cries when it is dark. She is 5 now, and she goes to bed and falls asleep by herself.

I have found that society’s timetable for when my child *should* be able to do something doesn’t fit each individual child. All neurotypical children will learn to fall asleep on their own, just like they will learn to use the toilet, walk, talk, wean, and be without parents for church services or overnight. Sometimes you can force the issue, but generally it causes emotional distress for parent and child, and in my experience it isn’t worth it to speed something up that would happen naturally on its own if given enough time. You’re not dealing with a *problem.* A 5 month old not sleeping through the night is the epitome of typical.

So. I am still here. Are you?
So is Poppy. She is approaching lemon-sized now. We have decided not to find out his or her gender before the birth. (The venue of said birth is yet to be determined– it’ll either be the local free standing birth center or here at home with a really cool midwife…we shall see.) He’s still making me sick. I have had some better days though– I’ve been cooking again some, which I enjoy, but which requires a lot of energy. My family has been patient.

We have started homeschooling– after a fashion. I bought Sonlight PreK curriculum, and it’s pretty good, but I apparently underestimated my daughter. We skip several days in a row, and then make them all up in one morning. I intend to double up and finish this by Christmas, and start Ambleside, which is a free Charlotte Mason curriculum that I found online. ( www.amblesideonline.com ) Good stuff.

My brain is still more or less fried. I hope to be back soonish– we’ll see what the second trimester brings.

Here is most of what I wrote in response to a blog I read that compared the discipline we receive from God to spankings given to children. I figure it’s worth posting, maybe.

I was raised in a spanking household, by two fantastic, godly parents. I have a very close relationship with them now, and do not feel irreparably damaged by the spankings I received in their home. We agree that striking a child with anger in our hearts is a sin, and we agree that our job as parents is to point our children to Christ. We agree that discipline is *vital* to parenting as God calls us to parent. My ultimate goal, of course, is to have children that have a genuine love for Christ and a heart that desires above all to please him.

Here is where we disagree: The primary expression of discipline is *instruction,* not punishment. I believe that God created my children with the ability to accept my instruction *without* being punished. We know this is true in the case of understanding academic principles– no one would suggest we strike a child who is not picking up on the multiplication tables fast enough, and in the same way, I will not strike a child who is still learning to trust my God-given authority as their parent.

I am not arguing that spanking is not *effective.* In many cases, it is much more expedient than waiting for a child to internalize a value or rule. But in that capacity, *after* you have rectified the behavior, you are *still* left with the job of instructing– of helping the child move from being externally motivated to internally. I do not believe that spanking changes hearts. That is the business of the Holy Spirit.

To be honest, I feel like using the proverbs to support spanking is shaky theology, at best. In many places in scripture the rod is referred to as an instrument to guide and comfort (such as a shepherd’s staff, which was clearly not used to beat the sheep), or a means of protection (as the staff a king would extend to those who approached him to save them from death.) If the rod mentioned here does mean an implement of physical punishment, then the picture here is one of striking a child older than 5 (according to the hebrew word used)– with a very large stick– which is not the practice generally defended by this verse. The rod is undeniably a Hebrew and Biblical symbol of authority, and I absolutely do not withhold my authority from my children. I simply believe that exercising authority and inflicting pain are not inextricably linked.

I am not suggesting that our only parental responsibility is to be friends with our children or to “speak nicely” to them. I am suggesting that the commonly accepted practice of spanking is not, in fact, addressed in the bible, and that it is not the best, only, or required method of exercising our God given authority in the lives of our children.

So. I am 9 weeks and 2 days preg-a-net. I am feeling better now than I have at this point in either of my previous pregnancies. I’m still tired and salivating a lot (no really, excessive spit– one of the lovely side-effects of growing a human that they don’t warn you about) and still kind of nauseous…but I cannot complain. I saw the midwife at the birth center on Wednesday. I also saw my tiny bean and his teeny tiny beating poppy-seed-of-a heart. The midwife was nice, and the birth center was nice, but I left there really dissatisfied with the idea of having my child there. So. Next week we start interviewing home birth midwives. I am actually deliriously excited about the prospect of having Poppy at home.

I am also compiling a list of cds to birth by.
So far I have: Renee and Jeremy
Palestrina(which I enjoyed just before Casal arrived)
Faure
Peter Mayer
And James Taylor. And some Enya.

These are ones I want to get.
Chris Thile
David Nevue
Ella
Brahms by Yo-Yo
and
some unaccompanied cello suites by Bach

Oh. And Bon Iver. I totally went to school with this kid from grades 4 to 12.
Yay music!

The end.

Is at the grocery store. Even though it is nearly 11pm. Because I was near tears over a bologna sandwich.